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Monday mull over

Fuck, two weeks in a row now, my Monday mull over is on a Tuesday. -Working to get my act together, pinky promise.

Weekend highlights:

  • Was greeted with Colombian empanadas while on suburban dates with iBS. NJ knows how to hold me down; Four Wedding marathons and famous restaurant pizza dates, yayy!
  • Pussy Popped.
  • Visited my old hood, well kind of…after engaging in some Bergen County Retail Therapy. No sales tax in the Garden State, hooty hooo.
  • Danced the night away with my sweets and friends after I was honored for being one of the most prestigious verbal abusers on the planet at the 2011 Player Haters Ball. Better luck next year Buck Nasty!

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.


  • Food babies in the form of beef empanadas, Stella Artois, fried calamari, brick oven pizza, pizza in bed, oreo sundae waffles, fried eggs, plain bagels, cuban rice and beans, sweet plantains, vodka sodas, munchkins, Dunkachinos, nonfat Chais, cheddar bunnies, and roasted chicken.
  • Got called out by the bathroom attendant after I tried to use the men’s bathroom because the women’s line was way too long. They had 3 unused stalls and I was going to leave a tip!
  • Witnessed a man get tasered twice on Saturday night after bouncers chased him up a flight of stairs. I’m not sure if he was handcuffing in the club and didn’t want to pay the required $20.00 fine or what. Either way he took it like a champion.

All in all, I’d say I had a pretty eventful weekend, yayyy! xoxo

Filed under Weekend Monday Mull Over Taser Guns Food Babies

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Fakest Holiday of the Year is approaching…

Omg ya’ll Valentines Day is right around the corner.

I know it can be hard to figure out what to get your special someone so I’ve come up with a few gift ideas that won’t break the bank. Check ‘em out!

If your Valentine is your boyfriend:

$79.00 —A little Bleu de Chanel never hurt anyone. Love, love, love the way this cologne smells on a man. It legit makes you want to makeout with their neck or wherever it is they’ve sprayed it-there’s just something so sexy about the muskiness of it all.

Point-collar regular-fit dress shirt in medium gingham $79.50 —I don’t know what it is, but there’s something I really love about J Crew men’s gingham. They do it so well and their shirts fit ever so nicely. Give it a personal touch by monogramming his initials on the chest or the cuff. Stage Five clingers feel free to monogram your own initials on there.

Burberry 2 Pack Boxers Gift Set $85.00 —Show his balls you care by dressing them up in a pair of Burberry boxers. Few things say I love ya like a pair of fancy skivvies. It’s a win, win really. Nothing provokes a female boner like a man walking around with tousled hair, morning breath, and designer boxers. Mm, mmm good.

If your Valentine is your girlfriend:

First of all, ALWAYS make sure you buy flowers. Bitches love flowers. Change it up a bit. Instead of your standard red roses, find out what her favorite flower is and order her an arrangement. Guaranteed sexy time ;) (kidding, only I’m that easy)

Polka Dot Heart Box with 3 Low Rise Thongs $49.00 —I also love, love these low rise Hanky Panky thongs. They’re super cute and I love the polka dot heart shaped box they come in. Not only will your girlfriend feel sexy in them, you get to enjoy them too! Hope she’s got sweet cheeks!

David Yurman - Diamond & Sterling Silver Cable Heart Petite Bracelet$425.00 —I know I said this list wouldn’t break the bank, but nothing says I love you like diamonds. There are only a few in this bracelet, so it’s not too bad! Show your shawty you love her with this David Yurman Diamond and Sterling Silver Cable Heart Bracelet.

$210.00 —Spread love the Gucci way. This heart-shaped coin purse is such a fun way to say I heart ya. It’s not only cute, but practical too. Yayy!

Good luck love birds! Happy Valentines Day to you and yours!

Filed under Valentines Day Love will keep us together

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Anonymous asked: You don't have to apologize. I've been busy too now that classes at NJIT have started but don't worry I'll always find some time to read your blog. You always eat varied and delicious food. My diet pretty much consists of Peruvian food. -Dave

If you consider the different cereals my local grocery store has to offer to be delicious then yes, I do. Ever been to Pio Pio? I never have, but I hear it’s amazeballs. I think it’s Peruvian?

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Monday mull over

Sorry guys, (and by guys I mean Mom and now David). I know I’m late. I’m trying to get my shit together, I promise.

Weekend Highlights:

  • Performed Baby Got Back with a dear friend complete with a subtle two-step in front a large group of strangers. I carried the weight of our performance, but he’s now the YouTube star. C’est la vie.
  • Pussy Popped.
  • iBS and friend came into the city to have lunch with little old me, but we knew nothing could satisfy our taste buds like the savory chicken and rice at Noches in Union City so we turned the car around and headed straight for the Holland Tunnel. Yelp! review to follow.
  • Watched the Jets lose during my Sunday Funday with my Dad. He knows less about football than I do. Blind leading the blind ova hea, he thought Tom Brady was playing.

Forgive me father for I have sinned.


  • Food babies in the form of cinnamon oatmeal, filet medallions, asparagus, vodka sodas, more vodka sodas, Colombian cafe con leche, Colombian bread, rice, beans, and chicken, empanadas, french fries, tiniest pizza slice ever, 1.5 pigs in a blanket, Mamoun’s chicken kebab sandwiches, Dunkachinos, everything bagels, chicken taquitos, and chocolate chip cookies.
  • Had a slumber party with 3 guys. If my Dad found out he’d stab me in the neck. Contrary to popular belief, no trains were ran. We’re all friends you guys; one’s even my bf.
  • Got pulled out of the men’s bathroom at Prohibition by a non-English speaking bus boy. All I was trying to do was help a friend out. I checked to make sure there was no one at the urinals prior to my entry.

All in all, I’d say I had a pretty jubilant weekend. Yayyy!

Filed under Weekend NYC Monday Mull Over

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My Top 5 Picks for Golden Globes Best Dressed…

Number Five:

Anne Hathaway

Hate your face, love your dress Anne Hathaway.

Kidding, I don’t hate your face, I’m just not a huge fan of you in general. Everything from your hair to your makeup did look fantastic though! Love the structured shoulders and the body hugging silhouette.

Number Four:

Sarah Hyland at the 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills, CA on Sunday, January 16.

I can’t tell if I’m voting her number four because I’m a huge fan of Modern Family or because I think Sarah Hyland is too cute for words-either way she looked gorgeous last night. I will admit her hair is bit matronly for my taste, but I think she pulled it off. Work, cover girl.

Number Three:

Olivia Wilde at 68th Golden Globe Awards 2011.

Perhaps it’s my undying devotion for Christian Louboutin or perhaps it’s my appreciation for fashion risks taken in life that made me heart this look-I haven’t decided yet, but none of that matters because I think Olivia Wilde pulled this dress and those shoes off effortlessly. Love, love, love the edginess of her look-her big poofy dress and a side of sparkly rocker-chic Loubs made my heart smile. You’re a free bitch baby.

Number Two:

Hailee Steinfeld wears Amanda Pearl clutch to Golden Globes

Omg, I die. Love Hailee Steinfeld and how beautiful she looked last night. She’s truly a vision in white. I also love how age appropriate she is in this. Only fourteen and already killing the red carpet. Go ‘head girl, go ‘head get down. Love, love, love it!

Number 1: Drum roll please-

If the red carpet was a Swan Lake audition, Lily would have totally been cast as the White and Black Swan. Sorry Nina.

Seriously though, who else would I pick? Duh! Not only do I have a serious but totally healthy girl crush on Mila Kunis, she looks drop dead gawwwwgeous in emerald green. I die, come back to life, and die again. All around stunning. Shake it, but don’t break it ‘cause your mama took 9months to make it ;).

Filed under Golden Globes Best Dressed Love Mila Kunis Hailee Steinfeld Sarah Hyland Olivia Wilde Anne Hathaway

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Golden Globes Best Dressed?

I don’t watch award shows because they’re boring and long as fuck. I usually just watch the Pre-Show to check out what everyone is wearing and then look out for the winners as they are announced on Twitter.

Last night however, I missed the pre-show due to my loyalty to the Jets in their 3rd and 4th quarters (ahem) so I had no choice but to check out best and worst dressed this morning online.

What I saw really appalled me.

Almost everyone from the Washington Post to MTV.com voted Natalie Portman best dressed. I get that she’s the “it girl” these days what with her award winning performance in Black Swan and all, but that doesn’t mean we all need to kiss her ass. She already knows she’s the shit and lying to her about this dress:

Natalie Portman in a Viktor & Rolf pink satin gown with red-rose detailing on the bust

…is only doing her a disservice.

I’m not sure where to start. I get that she’s pregnant and all but that doesn’t mean she has to frump it up. What’s next Nat, mom jeans?

It looks like someone wrapped some really high thread count sheets around her body and then took the rose from Beauty and the Beast and sewed it between her tits to hold everything in place. Her necklace looks like it came straight out of those Asian boutiques at the mall…you know the ones with walls and walls of costume jewelery at extremely unreasonable prices. And her hair…oh God, her hair-it looks like she just finished an intense workout that took no prisoners and feared no hairspray.

The whole look just doesn’t do it for me. It doesn’t seem like she put much time or effort into anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if she were wearing flip flops under there. I don’t know, call me crazy but I give this look two big fat sausage-resembling thumbs down. Not impressed.

Still a huge fan though Natalie! Let me know if your feet swell up during pregnancy and you need them rubbed. xoxo girlfriend!

Filed under Golden Globes Natalie Portman Best Dressed?

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Monday mull over

Weekend highlights:

  • Learned the origin of Ale ale san’s dance moves after he thankfully saved me from an evening of Lifetime movies and over eating. Ain’t no party like a Friday night party at Lex Bar.
  • Pussy popped.
  • Finally removed the fire hazard that had become my Christmas tree. It was for the best; pine needles were all dried up and my smoke detector is sans double A’s these days.
  • Attended my soon to arrive god nugget’s baby shower. Confronted the opposing team aka the other twin’s god mother. Externally I was all, “Hey girl, hey,” but internally I was like, “King Kong ain’t got nothing on me.” I’m a shoe-in for the favorite godmother position.

Forgive me father for I have sinned.


  • Food babies in the form of honey combs, cinnamon chex, over hard eggs, home fries, more cinnamon chex, greek yogurt with strawberries, cinnamon oatmeal, cafe con leche, flan, bread pudding, penne a la vodka, grilled chicken, empanadas, potato croquettes, calamari, and sweet tarts.
  • Put on the fakest smile of all time to camouflage all the malicious thoughts being thought upon learning I would be sharing the position of Godmother with someone else. Ugh. Going to have to pray the rosary at least five times to repent for all my terrible thoughts. My b baby J.
  • Pretended to watch the Jets game for my own selfish reasons. When my coworkers start talking about the “big game” by the water cooler I’ll finally be able to contribute like, “Hey did you see when # 17 did that double back flip with out a trampoline or spotter or anything. Somebody’s looking for a spot on the 2012 US gymnastics team.” Then before anyone can say anything I’m going to walk away knowing I just blew their minds.

All in all I’d say I had a pretty easygoing weekend.

Filed under Weekend NYC Babies Food Babies Lex Bar Monday Mull Over Monday Mull Over

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Anonymous asked: Of course I'll keep it up! I'll even be your follower once you change your blog's name to "heyiamalreadyfamous" or something like that. -Dave

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Anonymous asked: haha yeah it was me. I don't have a tumblr account and If I created one I wouldn't know what to blog about. I know Muppets can't poop. I just assumed that was the offspring of a human(a very stylish one, I admit) and a muppet and as a consequence the poor creature can't poop anything but expensive shoes.

I like you David. You made me legit LOL. I appreciate you interacting with me. Keep it up, even if it’s anonymously!


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Anonymous asked: Did that monster just poop a shoe?!

Everyone knows Muppets don’t poop.

David, is that you again? A wise man by the name of Bobby Valentino once said, “Why you gotta be anonymous?”